Grief
by HR always live on
Summary: After 10:6, Harry visits Ruth's grave and sits deep in thought, thinking about the woman he should never have lost.


_Set a year after 10:6. HR sadness but hope it has a small ray of goodness too._

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><p>Harry stood there looking at her grave. Her final resting place. It was a freezing cold day but he could barely even feel it. All he could feel was the mind numbingly painful grief that he'd been living with every single day since Sasha killed the woman he loved. The woman he would always love. And he'd never even told her how he felt. "Hi," he murmured at her headstone, hoping he wasn't speaking to no one. Hoping he could be heard by her spirit. Hoping that she hadn't truly left him. Not for good. He put the single red rose on her grave and then moved to sit on the bench he'd had installed here. Just for her. For them. He always brought a rose for her. He was sure she'd have instantly told him what her favourite flower was and he would have been more than glad to bring those to her instead. But he didn't know. He'd never asked her. So it had to be a rose.<p>

"There are so many things I miss about you," he whispered. And it was true. Her gentleness, her kindness, her quiet intelligence. The way she'd always looked at him, as if seeing so much more than the man he was. Not to mention her gorgeous blue eyes which he prayed he'd see everyday. Praying to wake up from this nightmare and have her still existing in the land of the living. "I know you're not in pain anymore and I hope you're in a better place than this. But selfishly I wish you were here."

"The grid's too quiet without you," he whispered. "And I'm pretty positive that if you were here those bombs wouldn't have blown up last month. But that's besides the point really. I miss you. Not just your mind, or your value at work. I miss you. And there were so many things we should have had a chance to do together. You were always right, but I wish, just this once you'd been wrong. We were meant to have those things together." He sighed and felt dampness on his face. He looked but it wasn't raining. And then he realised he was crying.

He didn't really have anything else to say but he didn't want to leave her. He felt closer to her here than anywhere else. He had been too late when she was stabbed, he could at least try and make up for lost time. A gust of wind blew through the cemetery and Harry pulled his coat closer to him.  
>"You weren't careful enough Harry," a soft voice said to his left. He turned and felt his heart stop. Ruth sat next to him.<p>

"Ruth?" he breathed. She still looked pale but she had a faint smile on her face, her eyes catching his in a sidelong glance. She wore a dark blue dress and he realised it was what she was wearing the last time he'd ever seen her alive. "But you're… dead? Aren't you?"

"Yes, Harry," she said quickly. "I'm sorry but yes I am." Harry closed his eyes, almost feeling as if he'd lost her all over again. She reached for his arm but when her touch should have met him, he felt nothing. Because of course she wasn't there. All he saw was her hand resting on his jacket, he couldn't feel it.

"Are you a ghost?" he asked disbelievingly. He didn't believe in ghosts, never had done but the fact that she was sitting next to him was hard to argue with. And he did notice that her hair wasn't moving in the breeze. It was perfectly still.

"I suppose that's probably the best explanation," Ruth said with her head tilted on one side. "So yes, ghost will do. Have you been eating? You don't look so good."

"I miss you," he murmured, looking into her eyes, her beautifully familiar blue eyes. It had been a year since she died but he still remembered that glance like it was yesterday. Her death hurt like it happened yesterday too. "I miss you so much. And then I feel like I hate you for leaving so soon. For leaving me. And then I hate myself because I shouldn't hate you for being murdered. It wasn't your fault."

"I'd be with you if I could. You know that." He looked into her eyes, unable to look away. Her eyes seemed a lighter blue than normal and he realised they were sparkling with unshed tears.

"I know," he repeated. He moved so his hand looked like it was resting on hers, but he couldn't feel anything. He longed to touch the warmness of her skin. But he wouldn't ruin these precious moments with her. "Why now?" he asked. "You've been gone an entire year. So why now?"

"Harry, I see you all the time," she said sadly. "Its just you weren't able to see me."

"So why can I now?" he asked. She looked down to the ground and he could feel the disappointment almost rolling from her. "Not that I don't want to see you. I've spent every day this year praying to see you. I just can't quite believe you're actually here."

"I told you when you first saw me," Ruth said. "You weren't careful enough." He waited for her to explain further. "Everyone knows you come here, to see me. They all know. Its easy enough to track you down when you come to see me. You've made a lot of enemies over the years."

"What are you talking about?" he asked confused.

"Before you came into the cemetery there was a Russian tail on you. You weren't careful enough to lose them. You weren't even looking." Ruth shook her head sadly. "There's an assassin on his way here right now. For you."

"Who?" he asked, just as he had at work a thousand times before.

"Alexei Ivanov," she replied. Harry wracked his brain but couldn't think of who he was. "Does it matter who?" she added. "You probably still have time," she said, her eyes sparkling with tears. "If you want to try and leave. Escape."

"I don't want to leave you," he said after a seconds consideration. "That's why you're here," he said, completing the thought. "You're here for me."

"Yes," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said. "I can't tell you how much I want to see you. I do wish I could touch you though." They both smiled slightly, ignoring the sadness of the situation. "How…?"

"Not long," she said anticipating the question.

"I…"

"Please... Don't say it," she said, echoing that day all those years before. "I know. I already know. I wanted to make sure that you know too."

"I do know," he said. He started to lean forward to kiss her but then remembered it wouldn't have any affect. "Will…?"

"It'll be quick," she whispered. "I promise."

"I want to see you," he said. "After…"

"You will," she replied. "That's why I'm here. I've been waiting for you." There was a small rustle and Harry knew that he now had a gun trained on him. He didn't have the energy or the willpower to fight it anymore. He turned and looked at the woman he loved most in the world. The woman he would always love. "Its time." He squeezed her hand and could almost feel the heat of her skin. He heard the shot but didn't stop looking at Ruth, even as he felt it tear through his flesh. It hurt, it did, but not as much as he'd thought. He saw tears down Ruth's face, the last image he ever saw. He closed his eyes as his last breath escaped him. The final thing he felt before his heart stopped was her lips softly caressing his. Death didn't seem so final anymore.

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><p><em>Reviews mean the world to me!<em>


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